Thursday, February 19, 2009

Let's Reinstate Communal Confession

Now, for a little levity and satire... The Onion Dome has it down:
After his earlier attempts at raising the level of spiritual life in his parish, Catechumen Vasileos (formerly Vasily, aka William, aka Guillaume, etc) wondered what more he could do to eliminate the "rampant heathenry" that he found in his parish. In his intense studies of Church history, including A Beginner's Guide to the Orthodox Church and The Early Church for Dummies, Catechumen Vasileos discovered yet another thing in his parish which didn't match up with the early church: Private confession.

"Private confession is so obviously a heretical papist latinist pan-hereticalist innovation," said Catechumen Vasileos in a recent interview, "And obviously, we can't have that!"

Thus, having identified himself as the only real true Orthodox believe in this parish of "ignorant, uneducated heathens," Catechumen Vasileos decided to heed the advice of 6th century Elder Pharmaxananos who said, "The man who can condemn sin is by far the most blessed," and help his fellow parishioners on the way to true, non-papist repentance...

To start, Catechumen Vasileos distributed information in his parish about the practice of the early Church, in which everyone confessed to each other, rather than just to the priest. He even set a date for everyone to come and confess to each other. However, when that day came, he was quite saddened to discover that no one showed up.

"Clearly, no one at my parish really cares about Orthodoxy. They don't care about repentance, they are too busy at 6pm on Wednesday evening to come to the real confession, to busy doing useless worldly things like caring for their children, working, or something stupid like that. Really, these people just have no idea what the spiritual life is like."

Catechumen Vasileos decided to take it a step further: He decided that the best way to "convict the heathens of their sins" was to do what Elder Pharmaxananos advised, and show them. And since all sins are public, he reasoned, everyone should know! Thus, Catechumen Vasileos compiled a list of sins for everyone in the parish to pass out before liturgy.

What was on the list? To quote just two items:
* Alicia was spotted on July 13th at a Roman Catholic soup kitchen, helping make food for the homeless. This is clearly in violation of Canon 422 of the Synaxalion Council of Bypraxia in 1332, which forbids any contact with heretics. This woman is surely straight on the path to eternal damnation in the 13th hell, reserved for Romanist sympathizers, which we know about from the Revelation to St Phylergia of 18th century Calamaria.

* Zossimas was seen eating at restaurant with his mistress on a Wednesday eating meat during Lent! First off, it's Wednesday, what is he doing eating meat?? Second, it's Lent, why is he engaging in worldly activities like eating at restaurants? This man seriously needs some help with following the canons. This is just such a blatant violation, like seriously. People really need to conduct themselves in a more canonical way when on dates with their mistresses. His wife is such a pious woman too, I am sure she will be filled with godly rage when she hears that her husband was not keeping the holy fasts of the Church.
After having passed out his lists after Divine Liturgy last Sunday, no comment could be obtained as to the success of his efforts at bringing the parish to repentance, as Catechumen Vasileos is in the hospital with mysterious cane-shaped bruises all over his body, and an interesting loss of hearing, possibly caused by being exposed to prolonged, high-volume screaming at the hands of elderly Calamarian women.
I think I've seen this guy's twin in Catholic circles as well ;)

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